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Would you include, on a dating app, CV or your website bio, that among your other great attributes you were “needy”? Nobody likes a “needy” guy or gal, yet needy, and I’ll add “wanty”, is who and what we are, as Homo sapiens.

There comes a point in life where you find yourself staring into the fridge at 10pm, eating cheese directly from the packet, wondering: “Do I actually want this, or do I need a hug, a holiday, or three uninterrupted nights’ sleep?”

Most of us don’t know the difference. We’re ace at identifying other people’s needs. The kids need support, the dog needs walking, your partner needs listening to, your boss needs results.

Needs R Us

When it comes to our own needs, we suddenly become contestants on Britain’s Got Emotional Repression. If you routinely trot out “oh, I’m fine”, “I’m just tired”, “it’s not important”, “I’m just having a moment”, you could well be filing an official complaint to your nervous system.

Wants vs Needs

Wants are something that looks good and might make life nicer. Wants might include: a new kitchen, a designer gizmo, a Ferrari, La Prairie face cream, a week’s retreat in Tuscany, tweakments.

A need is something that sates us and allows us to function well. These might be: sleep, connection, safety, peace, love, time to think, solitude, truth, food that didn’t originate at the petrol station.

These, it must be said, are not optional luxuries, but a cri de coeur from your mind, body and soul, and must be addressed. Ignore them, and expect exhaustion, resentment and feeling vaguely homicidal when someone asks you for yet another favour.

Needs are not a weakness, they’re information. Your feelings are a messenger, and unfortunately most of us shoot the messenger and barrel on.

Getting Your Needs Met

One of the simplest methods for managing your health and mental state is to ask yourself: “what do I need right now?” Try this small experiment: over the next few days, whenever you feel irritated, emotional, overwhelmed or at a loss, instead of asking “what’s wrong with me?”, try asking “what need is not being met?”

You may discover you need rest, help, reassurance, space, attention, fun, clarity, time alone, or a stiff negroni.

Getting your needs met wards off burnout, illness, resentment, arguments and meltdowns. It’s not selfish. Humanity, and the world itself, needs more kind, happy and satisfied people.

If you’re not sure where to start untangling your own wants from your needs, that’s exactly the kind of thing coaching helps with. Book your redeemable £10 trial session here.