Recent ideas, articles and learnings

You’ve heard the saying: a problem shared is a problem halved. Misery loves company too. So why does opening up sometimes feel so lonely?

It feels comforting to cry on someone’s shoulder. But what if that shoulder isn’t quite as supportive as it seems?

There’s a real art to holding space for someone. In coaching terms, that means being present, listening deeply, staying calm, and allowing someone to express what’s going on without interruption, judgement or a rush to fix things. As coaches, we learn to sit comfortably with silence, ask thoughtful questions, show empathy and simply allow another person to be exactly where they are.

Why This Matters More Than You Think

If we never acknowledge our pain, voice it or examine it, we risk carrying it with us for years. Suppressed hurt has a way of resurfacing as stress, unhappiness, anxiety or poor health further down the line.

We’ve all been through difficult times, and we all will again. As the Zen saying goes, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. What shouldn’t be inevitable is feeling embarrassed for having emotions in the first place.

I know there have been times when I’ve hidden my own hurt, even while talking about it, because I could see other people becoming uncomfortable. I’ve found myself making jokes to help them feel better while I was falling apart inside. My pain felt too much for them to handle.

Have you ever done that?

That’s exactly why learning how to hold space for a friend, rather than rushing to fix or soften what they’re feeling, matters so much. Here’s a practical toolkit for being the kind of friend people truly need when life gets tough.

The Don’ts

• Don’t automatically thrust a tissue into someone’s hand. Unless they’re in danger of blowing their nose on the curtains, hold back. A tissue can unintentionally communicate “please stop crying, I can’t handle your pain.” It may feel like you’re helping when you feel powerless, but the issue isn’t a shortage of tissues.
• Don’t respond with your own tale of woe. “That’s nothing, when that happened to me…” This isn’t a competition to see who’s suffered most.
• Resist saying “it’ll be OK.” Right now, it isn’t OK, and that’s what needs acknowledging.
• Avoid comments such as “I’m so glad I don’t have children, a partner or my own business.” It may be your genuine relief speaking, but it can sound insensitive and dismissive.
• Don’t assume a hug is wanted or helpful. Always ask first.

How to Hold Space for a Friend: The Do’s

• Encourage them to let it all out. Tears, anger, confusion, frustration, all of it.
• Ask thoughtful, caring questions.
• Show empathy. Try: “that sounds incredibly hard, I can see how hurt you are, how are you feeling?”
• Give them permission to sit with whatever they’re experiencing, whether that’s rage, sadness, fear, isolation or despair.
• Manage your own discomfort and keep the focus on their needs.
• Resist the urge to solve the problem. Not everything needs fixing in the moment.
• Support them without carrying their pain. Compassion doesn’t require emotional absorption.
• Check in afterwards with a simple text. Small gestures can mean a great deal.
• Give them space to revisit the conversation. Many people feel vulnerable after opening up.
• Ask the most powerful question of all: “what do you need from me right now?”

Presence Is the Real Gift

Sometimes the greatest gift we can give another person isn’t advice, reassurance or solutions. It’s our presence.

Be the beam of light on someone’s cloudy day. Be the shoulder that offers comfort rather than discomfort. And may we all learn how to hold space for one another when life inevitably gets hard.

This is exactly the kind of skill we work on in coaching: learning to hold space for yourself as well as others, so you can handle life’s harder moments without absorbing everyone else’s pain. If you’d like to explore that, book a chat with me (no strings, no salesy stuff).